When we started trying for our second child, it took 13 long months to conceive. This baby was another miracle in our lives. The minute I was done taking all THREE positive pregnancy tests, I was in love. This was at 5 weeks gestation. I always felt he was a boy.
I decided to name my baby Noah Joel (which means rest and peace & the Lord is God) – naming my baby gave him a place in this world – he mattered – he was here – although inside my womb and I’d never held him – he was my baby, my second child, my heart.
Madison is also known as our “rainbow baby.” Having a rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
Noah Joel Hoyt left our presence on this earth on March 26, 2008 to join our Father in Heaven, where he now feels no pain; cries no tears. There will not be a day where he mourns the loss of his mom or dad or sister. But why are we left here to mourn the loss of the baby I couldn’t carry term?
Of course, I know that a child is a child no matter how small. I’ve said it a million times. Life starts at conception. I lost Noah at 9 _ weeks gestation and named him even though I had no idea if he was a boy or a girl. I just had a feeling that he was a boy. But after holding and loving on my sweet girl Madison, and continuing to love on my love Caitlin, I have felt the deep sadness that I knew would hit me again someday.
Some don’t understand how I can’t be “over it” yet. Why I haven’t “moved on” yet. Well, I probably described it above, but let me say it again… I lost a child and will never forget. It’s pretty simple but yet it’s painfully hard to describe. Yes, I’d consider that an oxymoron, but in this instance, it’s the honest truth. With the loss of a child I don’t think you ever really feel whole or “together” again. There’s always that piece of you that is absent – that ends up causing some part of your heart to not be truly in the present each minute of every day. Maybe I just need more counseling but this is me and how I feel.
And yet, she’s so happy when she talks about Noah now. She draws pictures of him and sings songs about him. She tells Madison about Noah. It’s so endearing. So loving. My precious Caitlin Love – she’s my sensitive one. She can also be quite silly at times, but after going through what she’s gone through with the loss of this baby, I know she’ll forever be my sensitive one. I love her for remembering our baby. I tell her that too. It’s nice to have these everyday happy reminders of our second child.
Noah is Caitlin’s younger brother; our second child; our son. Years ago, when Chris and I were first dating we talked about how many kids we wanted. We both said 3. I consider my family complete now. I have 3 children. One is just not with me everyday. I know that the Lord had a plan when I became pregnant the second time. Losing Noah was not a punishment for us – it was something the Lord needed me to go through in order to get closer to Him – to allow me to allow Him to hold me. If you’ve ever listened to the song that plays when you first get to my blog (“Held” by Natalie Grant), you’ll hear the main chorus which says,