Guest post from The Hoyt Family part 2

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Here is the second part of the Amanda’s guest spot! I am so grateful that she is willing to do this for me!! THANK YOU Amanda!!

Now without further ado….

Michelle asked me to guest post on her blog…can I tell you that this is an honor for me? I’ve NEVER been asked to guest post anywhere and I’ve been blogging since June of 2005! I started my blog as a way to show our family members and friends how much our first daughter, Caitlin Love, born May 28, 2004, was growing and changing.

We hoped to add to our family and years later we did. The problem was – unexplained infertility (which ended up being because of the fact that I ovulate twice a year). We tried for Caitlin for 18 months. Her pregnancy was, to say the least, high risk. You can read about our journey through amniotic band syndrome here.

The pregnancy was filled with anxiety as well as hope – That our baby girl would survive the last 20 weeks of our pregnancy. Praise be to God that she has no abnormalities and is alive!

When we started trying for our second child, it took 13 long months to conceive. This baby was another miracle in our lives. The minute I was done taking all THREE positive pregnancy tests, I was in love. This was at 5 weeks gestation. I always felt he was a boy.

My world was shattered on March 26, 2008, at 9.5 weeks gestation, when I went in for an ultrasound after a few days of bleeding, and the tech and the doctor confirmed that, “[my] baby has no heartbeat.” Seeing no movement when just a week before that I’d seen him squirming around and had a healthy heart beating, was devastating. The numb, cold, shocked, and heartbreak I experienced that day on the ultrasound table will never leave my mind.

I decided to name my baby Noah Joel (which means rest and peace & the Lord is God) – naming my baby gave him a place in this world – he mattered – he was here – although inside my womb and I’d never held him – he was my baby, my second child, my heart.

Six months later, after another high risk pregnancy, we were able to bring our second daughter, our third child, Madison Grace, born on September 18, 2009, home. Madison has not only brought Joy to our family but hope was restored in me. God gave me a second (or third you might say) chance at being a mommy.

Madison is also known as our “rainbow baby.” Having a rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

The post that I’d like to share with you is a blog I posted on March 26, 2010. Two years after his death and I was (and am) still grieving. But, in knowing where my child has gone – to be safe in the arms of Jesus, my Savior – gives me a feeling of comfort.

I hope that my words may give you hope. If you have been through a loss (especially an early one), please feel free to contact me. I’d love to hear from you, cry with you and pray for you. My email is amandajoyhoyt@gmail.com. You can read more about me and my family here. Thank you for listening to my story and know that, if you have experienced child loss, you are NOT alone and there IS hope. xoxo

DEDICATION TO NOAH!

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In Loving Memory of Noah Joel Hoyt {Two Years}

How has it already been 2 years since we said goodbye to our tiny baby?? So much has transpired since those horrible days of Easter week 2008, it is almost unreal! I will never forget the short time I had with my second child. The one we tried for and longed for and prayed for – for 13 long months.

Noah Joel Hoyt left our presence on this earth on March 26, 2008 to join our Father in Heaven, where he now feels no pain; cries no tears. There will not be a day where he mourns the loss of his mom or dad or sister. But why are we left here to mourn the loss of the baby I couldn’t carry term?

There are so many questions that come with losing a child and in my case – a miscarriage. My friends who’ve endured this pain know what I mean. Those who surround us can testify. There’s something missing in our lives. There’s always a lingering “what if?” or “why me?” or “what really happened?”

Unfortunately, we won’t know all the answers just yet. We’ll have to wait until the day when our Lord takes us back where we really belong. Away from this earth where we’re really just passing through. Then, we may know the answers to all those questions we’ve asked ourselves or had asked of us.

Lately, the grief has come back to me full circle as if I’d lost Noah just yesterday. When I was pregnant last year and the calendar told me it was the one year anniversary of Noah’s passing, somehow, someway, the Lord granted me peace. I guess He knew I needed it after the rough year I’d had and that I needed to be happy to sustain the precious life of Madison Grace that was growing within me. I don’t know. Maybe it was because I hadn’t held a baby in such a long time to know what I was truly missing after losing Noah. But after crying during Madison’s delivery (just knowing she’d made it to me alive was so bittersweet I can’t even explain it!) and after these past 6 months of holding her tight almost 24 hours a day, I have come to realize exactly what I’ve lost.

Of course, I know that a child is a child no matter how small. I’ve said it a million times. Life starts at conception. I lost Noah at 9 _ weeks gestation and named him even though I had no idea if he was a boy or a girl. I just had a feeling that he was a boy. But after holding and loving on my sweet girl Madison, and continuing to love on my love Caitlin, I have felt the deep sadness that I knew would hit me again someday.

I never forget that he is not here. I actually think of him every single day. Each morning, if there’s time, I listen to a few songs on my MP3 player that bring me back to when I lost him. Not so that I can be stuck in a dark place but so that I can briefly remember my baby and remember what his life and loss taught me and how thankful I am that I’ve been drawn closer to my Savior over the past two years. These are private moments that no one knows about and are just between me and the Heavens.

Some don’t understand how I can’t be “over it” yet. Why I haven’t “moved on” yet. Well, I probably described it above, but let me say it again… I lost a child and will never forget. It’s pretty simple but yet it’s painfully hard to describe. Yes, I’d consider that an oxymoron, but in this instance, it’s the honest truth. With the loss of a child I don’t think you ever really feel whole or “together” again. There’s always that piece of you that is absent – that ends up causing some part of your heart to not be truly in the present each minute of every day. Maybe I just need more counseling

but this is me and how I feel.

Something else that has been causing me to remember Noah more often than not is the fact that Caitlin brings him up almost everyday. Mind you, she was not even 4 years old when he died and yet she was so sad. It made me even more sad that day when Chris told her…to have my 3 _ year old learn about the death of a sibling so early…how traumatic is that?? Ugh. I wish it weren’t so.

And yet, she’s so happy when she talks about Noah now. She draws pictures of him and sings songs about him. She tells Madison about Noah. It’s so endearing. So loving. My precious Caitlin Love – she’s my sensitive one. She can also be quite silly at times, but after going through what she’s gone through with the loss of this baby, I know she’ll forever be my sensitive one. I love her for remembering our baby. I tell her that too. It’s nice to have these everyday happy reminders of our second child.

Noah is Caitlin’s younger brother; our second child; our son. Years ago, when Chris and I were first dating we talked about how many kids we wanted. We both said 3. I consider my family complete now. I have 3 children. One is just not with me everyday. I know that the Lord had a plan when I became pregnant the second time. Losing Noah was not a punishment for us – it was something the Lord needed me to go through in order to get closer to Him – to allow me to allow Him to hold me. If you’ve ever listened to the song that plays when you first get to my blog (“Held” by Natalie Grant), you’ll hear the main chorus which says,

…”This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We’d be held”…

which means that the Lord will catch us and hold us when we fall or experience something traumatic. I know that He caught me and held me for a long time. He’s still holding me each day as I remember my loss and suffer that pain all over again each morning. But he has renewed me. Renewed my faith. Another verse in the same song that has meant a lot to me is,

…”If hope if born of suffering”…

For some months after my loss, I almost chanted this verse to myself. Hoping against hope that if losing my baby meant something else was in store for us; if God had another plan…then I was going to wait for it. I began to hope and have hope that he would send us our third child – one to love on this earth and to raise and teach and watch grow up. My prayers were answered when I found out that my sweet Madison was on her way. I praise the Lord each day knowing that He gave me a second (or third) chance to be a mommy. I love my kids and hope to raise them up to love Our Lord as much as I do.

With that, I’ll leave you with a picture that Caitlin drew of our family at Christmas (2009). Notice who is included in our family picture

I love my family and am so blessed to have a husband who loves me and our kids, and two healthy daughters who are precious miracles from the Lord.

Thank you, dear friends & family, for loving and supporting me through these difficult times. I am so blessed to have met so many of you after losing Noah.

Love and hugs,

Amanda

Psalm 116:7-9 (New International Version)

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.